The Cold War is Back, and I Have Proof

Those infernal Russian drones flew over again last night dropping their excess snow plowed from the streets of Siberia.  I thought I heard a lot of buzzing noises in the night, but at first I just dismissed it as the usual noises in my head.  But when I couldn’t take the incessant buzzing anymore, I went out to see what the heck the ruckus was about and stepped right smack dab into the middle of the evidence.

What more proof do you need?  It’s obvious that Obama has been secretly selling drones to the Soviets under the table with the agreement they would drop snow bombs on the US in an underhanded attempt to force American workers to stay home from work. Everybody knows Obama is a closet communist and hell-bent on destroying the American economy, and I finally have the proof. He has secretly started another cold war, and this one is really cold.

I’m either crazy or I’m not crazy.  I’m pretty sure I’m a little crazy, but I would be crazy not to think I’m a little crazy. This weather makes you a little crazy.  But if you think I’m crazy, then you’re crazier than me.  How’s that for crazy?

Wake up America!!

How Do You Choose Your Delivery Service?

OK, our garage is behind our house. Consequently, we don’t use our front door. When we get out of our car, we are 6 ft away from our back door. The front porch and sidewalk stays buried under 2 or 3 ft snow drifts all winter (your clue that we don’t use that access).

The postal lady puts packages inside our garage and leaves a note that she placed it there. The UPS driver either leaves the package inside the garage door or (if small enough) between the back door and the screen door.

I got a notification that FedEx delivered a package today. I go out to look for it, and find it on the front porch. This guy intentionally waded through 20 yards of knee-high half-frozen drifts of snow to get that package there.

So here’s the question: When you’re considering what delivery service to use, do you say —

A. I’m using the guy that’s willing to wade drifts, climb mountains, forge streams and scale walls if necessary to deliver the package.

or…

B. I’m NOT using the guy that’s not smart enough to leave the package at the door that already has shoveled access.

Punxsutawney Phil and Global Climate Change

Go figure. We need a fat little groundhog to bring us out of winter and he skips town and heads for the Bahamas.

The good new is, if we can get Phil to come home before next year, you’re only looking at 60 more weeks of winter.

The bad news is, when our reporter asked Phil about the possibility of his return, the grumpy groundhog made an obscene gesture and mumbled something about an ice age.

Driving While Stoned Is Much Safer Than Driving Drunk

Once you adjust for variables like spacing out the occasional stop sign or red light, or spacing out checking your mirror before changing lanes — other than those minor variables it’s pretty much like driving sober.

Negotiating a Raise: Four Common Pitfalls to Avoid

LifeHacker recently published a post on this topic. 

I thought I would suggest four additional pitfalls to avoid:

1. Don’t use words like jerk, idiot and moron.
2. Avoid the middle finger salute.
3. Don’t show him a photo of his daughter with duct tape over her mouth.
4. Don’t show him compromising video footage that you captured with hidden cameras in his office

If you can think of any other helpful tips, leave them in the comments below.